How to Deal with Difficult People, Without Losing Your Power
- Joanna Baars
- Jun 23
- 9 min read
Understanding Power Dynamics with Difficult People
Most of us have, at some point, found ourselves walking on eggshells around someone. It might be a colleague, a parent, a partner, or even a friend. You know the kind of person I mean. Someone who always seems to find a problem, needs to be right, pushes your buttons, or somehow ends up pulling you into emotional territory you didn’t sign up for. These people can be critical, demanding, passive-aggressive, or just plain hard to please. But one thing they often have in common is this: they make us feel like we are the problem. It can be subtle or it can be loud. Sometimes it's a look, a sigh, a sarcastic comment, or the cold shoulder. Other times it's direct criticism or a full-blown argument. But the result is often the same. You end up questioning yourself, trying to work out what you did wrong, or scrambling to fix something you don’t even fully understand. You end up stuck in defence mode. And that’s exactly where they want you.
What’s really going on in moments like this is a shift in power. Power here doesn’t mean force or control in a dramatic sense. It means emotional energy, influence, and the ability to steer the direction of the conversation. Difficult people often pull us into their emotional world by pushing our guilt, fear, or need for approval. And once we’re there, we’re no longer standing in our own grounded space. We start responding from anxiety, shame, or obligation. It’s incredibly common, especially for people who grew up in families where peacekeeping or people-pleasing was necessary for survival. The power dynamic becomes especially complicated when the difficult person has a role of authority or emotional significance in your life. A boss, for example, can use their position to subtly undermine you without ever crossing a line that’s “officially” wrong. A parent might wrap their control in guilt or helplessness, making it look like you’re being cruel or selfish for not doing what they want. A partner might always spin a disagreement into something that’s your fault, leaving you holding the emotional burden.
If you’re someone who has a strong sense of empathy, you’re even more likely to get drawn into this. Your instinct is to fix, understand, soothe, or smooth things over. It’s not a weakness. It’s actually a strength that’s being used against you. But when empathy isn’t paired with boundaries, it can quickly turn into self-abandonment. You start over-explaining yourself. You start apologising just to calm the atmosphere. You give in, not because you agree, but because it’s exhausting to fight. Over time, this kind of repeated dynamic can wear down your confidence. You may start second-guessing yourself more often. You might notice that you're unusually anxious before speaking to certain people. Or maybe you find yourself avoiding conflict altogether, even when something really matters to you. That’s not you being weak or overly sensitive. That’s you responding to a pattern where your emotional safety has been compromised too many times.
The hardest part is that it can feel like no matter what you say or do, it’s never quite the right thing. You might try being kinder, clearer, more assertive, or more accommodating, but the reaction from the other person still feels off or disproportionate. That’s because the problem was never really yours to fix. The problem lives with the person who keeps shifting the goalposts or creating drama to stay in control of the emotional playing field.
Using the “Pass the Ball” Technique
When you’re dealing with a difficult person, it can feel like you’re constantly on the back foot. Whether it’s a boss, a parent, a partner or even a friend, there’s a pattern where they throw something at you emotionally and expect you to carry it. You’re left holding their feelings, their expectations, their criticisms or complaints, trying to make sense of it all whilst they stand back. You end up shouldering the weight of the situation, trying to resolve something that may not even be yours to fix.
This is where the “pass the ball” technique can really come in handy. It’s not a clever trick or a psychological mind-game. It’s a simple but powerful way of holding your ground and staying emotionally centred. At its core, it’s about refusing to take on a burden that isn’t yours and instead gently handing it back. It’s a way to stop the cycle of over-explaining, apologising, fixing, or pleasing, and to place the responsibility where it actually belongs.
Imagine someone criticises you at work for something vague or unexpected. Maybe they say, “You’re just not being a team player lately.” Your instinct might be to justify yourself, explain your actions, try to prove that you are being cooperative. But this is where you pause. Instead of defending yourself, you calmly ask, “Okay. What do you want me to do about that?” This one question does a few really important things.
First, it puts the focus back on the other person. It invites them to be specific and clear. Are they asking for something? Do they want a change? Do they even know what they’re hoping to achieve with their comment? It stops the conversation from floating in emotional confusion and moves it into something more solid and practical.
Second, it gives you room to observe what their real motive is. If they respond with a reasonable request, then great, you’ve got something to work with. You might be able to say, “Alright, I can work on that. Thanks for letting me know.” That’s resolution. That’s clarity. That’s the ball being passed back, and the game ending there. But if they have no real answer, or if they keep circling back to vague criticism or personal digs, then that tells you something too. It tells you they might not be looking for a solution at all. They may just want to complain, feel superior, or stir things up. In that case, you can still hold your ground. You might say, “I’m happy to make changes if there’s something you need from me, but unless there’s a specific request, I’m not sure there’s anything more I can do with this.”
The power in this approach is that it keeps you calm and clear. You’re not ignoring the other person or being passive aggressive. You’re staying open to resolution, but you’re not agreeing to carry confusion, criticism or guilt that isn’t yours. It’s not about arguing or proving a point. It’s about letting go of the responsibility to fix emotions that don’t belong to you.
This works especially well in emotionally charged family dynamics too. Let’s say you have a parent who often complains about how little they see you or makes comments that are designed to provoke guilt. Instead of diving into justifications about how busy you are or how you do your best, you can ask, “What would you like me to do differently?” That question alone can sometimes disarm the guilt pattern. If they genuinely want more time with you, they’ll probably say so and you can explore what’s possible. But if they just want to offload their disappointment or control your emotional space, they may stumble. And in that moment, you’re no longer responsible for their discomfort. You’ve handed the emotional ball back to them, gently but firmly.
It’s important to say here that this technique isn’t about shutting people down or refusing to listen. It’s about making sure that conversations move towards something useful rather than spiralling into cycles of blame or power struggle. It’s also a way of protecting your own nervous system from being constantly hijacked by other people’s unprocessed feelings.
When you use this technique regularly, it can shift long-standing patterns. You may notice people either become more respectful and direct with you, or they push back harder at first. That pushback is normal. People who are used to you carrying the emotional load might feel uncomfortable when you stop doing it. But over time, most either adapt or fall away.
This is how boundaries start to strengthen. This is how emotional safety begins to grow.
Why It Works and When to Use It
So why does the “pass the ball” technique actually work? Why does such a simple question like “What would you like me to do?” feel so powerful in moments that would otherwise leave you spiralling, over-explaining or feeling small?
The answer lies in how it quietly changes the energy in the room. Many difficult interactions, especially with emotionally immature or controlling people, revolve around one person holding power over another. That power doesn’t always look loud or aggressive. Sometimes it’s subtle. It hides in guilt, in expectation, in silence, or even in flattery that makes you feel obligated. What “pass the ball” does is help you step out of that trap by gently refusing to play along. You stop reacting, and start responding. You move from emotional chaos to clear, simple intention.
It works because it removes the pressure to take responsibility for what isn’t yours. When someone throws criticism or emotional confusion at you, your natural instinct might be to catch it, hold it, make sense of it and fix it for them. Especially if you were raised around difficult people or unpredictable emotional climates, this might be your go-to way of surviving. But as an adult, that same instinct can drain your energy and keep you stuck in loops that never end. The technique interrupts that loop. It allows you to ask a clear question that puts the responsibility back where it belongs without being harsh or dismissive.
It also invites the other person to own their part. It’s a challenge. If they are genuinely trying to communicate something important, your response gives them a safe opportunity to say what they really need. If they’re simply criticising or projecting, they’re suddenly faced with their own motive. That moment can shift the entire tone of the conversation.
Now, it’s important to remember that this approach is not a magic wand. It doesn’t make difficult people nicer. It doesn’t fix every situation. But it gives you something you can use to stay in your own centre. It gives you a sentence that protects your boundaries without shutting people out. That alone can be game-changing. It's also worth saying that there are situations where it’s particularly effective. One of those is in the workplace. If you have a manager or colleague who regularly offers vague criticism or seems to keep moving the goalposts, this technique helps bring the conversation back to clarity. It’s not about challenging authority. It’s about working towards shared understanding. When you ask what they would like to be done or what outcome they’re looking for, it invites them into a problem-solving mindset. And that often makes things less personal and more professional.
In personal relationships, especially with emotionally immature parents or family members, it can be a bit trickier at first. You might feel a wave of guilt just thinking about asking someone what they want from you. It can feel like you’re being confrontational or cold. But it’s actually the opposite. You’re being clear. You’re being open. You’re just refusing to take on a role that isn’t yours. If someone is venting their fears or frustrations, or just looking for someone else to make their decisions for them (so that they are not responsible for the outcomes), simply asking “What do you think?" or "What do you want to do?” quietly stops you from becoming the emotional sponge and scapegoat for other people's choices. It puts the choice firmly back with them. That’s respectful. It’s honest. And it protects your mental health.
Of course, there will be moments when using this technique might ruffle feathers. People who are used to being emotionally indulged or centred may not like it when you start setting a boundary. They may accuse you of being difficult or distant. That’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong. It means the dynamic is changing. When someone is no longer able to use guilt, control or emotional confusion to get their needs met, they will often react. Let them.
That part isn’t yours to manage.
You may also find that in more mature relationships, this approach actually deepens trust. When people realise you’re not going to spiral or explode or go silent, they start to feel safer too. It creates a space where clear communication becomes normal. It allows for actual resolution rather than emotional tug-of-war.
The beauty of this technique is in how simple it is. You don’t need to be eloquent or perfect. You don’t need to have rehearsed what you’ll say or worry about tone. All you need to do is remember that one question. What would you like me to do? It keeps things focused. It keeps you calm. And over time, it can be one of the most empowering ways to protect your energy and your peace. You don’t have to take on everyone else’s stuff. You don’t have to carry emotional weight that was never yours to hold. And if someone doesn’t know what they want, or refuses to answer, that’s information too. It tells you they may not be looking for connection, but control. And that’s a whole different conversation.
In the end, keeping your power doesn’t mean shutting people out or refusing to care. It just means staying connected to yourself first, and refusing to abandon your emotional centre just to keep the peace. The pass the ball technique helps you do just that, in real, simple, everyday moments. And that can make all the difference.
If something here resonated with you, I’d love to hear it.
Whether it brought clarity, stirred a feeling, or simply gave you a moment of pause, you're not alone. These conversations matter, and your voice is welcome.
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Kindest Always.
Joanna Baars is a psychotherapist and writer based in London. Her work explores how we can learn to understand ourselves, in a complex world. Find out more...
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