Understanding Co-dependency
Co-dependency is a term that has been thrown around for decades, often in discussions about addiction and enabling behaviours. Originally, it was used to describe the dynamic in which a person becomes so wrapped up in the needs and struggles of an addict that they lose sight of their own well-being. It painted a picture of someone - usually a spouse, parent, or close family member - who would sacrifice their own happiness, health, and identity to care for and manage the addict’s behaviour, sometimes even at the cost of enabling it. But over the years, as psychology and relationship studies have evolved, so has our understanding of co-dependence. It is no longer just about addiction. It has found its place in conversations about relationships, emotional dependence, attachment styles, and the way people interact with one another in everyday life.
At its core, co-dependency is about emotional enmeshment - a dynamic where one person relies on another for emotional validation, self-worth, and even a sense of identity. This reliance can exist in many different types of relationships, from romantic partnerships to friendships to family dynamics. It can look like one person constantly taking responsibility for another’s emotions, sacrificing their own needs to maintain the relationship, or feeling an overwhelming fear of abandonment that keeps them stuck in unhealthy patterns. Understanding co-dependency means understanding the fine line between love and emotional dependence. It’s not just about being caring or supportive - it’s about when that support becomes a requirement for emotional survival, when a person’s sense of security, happiness, and stability depends too much on another person’s presence or approval.
The Evolution of Co-dependency Beyond Addiction
When the concept of co-dependency first emerged in addiction recovery circles, it was primarily used to describe people who enabled the destructive behaviours of addicts - people who stayed in relationships with those struggling with substance abuse out of fear, obligation, guilt, or an unconscious need to feel needed. These were often spouses or family members who were so deeply invested in taking care of the addicted person that they neglected their own needs entirely. However, as more research emerged, psychologists and therapists realised that co-dependency wasn’t just happening in families with addiction - it was happening in all sorts of relationships, even when substances weren’t involved. The emotional patterns were the same: people were staying in unbalanced relationships, feeling responsible for another person’s emotional state, and unable to set boundaries for fear of rejection or loss. As society’s understanding of relationships has grown, so has the realisation that co-dependence exists on a spectrum. Some people experience it in extreme ways, where their entire identity is wrapped up in their role as a giver, while others may experience it in subtler ways, such as always feeling a need to "fix" others or struggling with emotional independence.
Romance: When Love Feels Like a Lifeline
For many people, being in a relationship means sharing a deep emotional connection, supporting each other through difficult times, and being able to lean on one another for comfort. But in codependent relationships, that emotional support crosses a line and turns into emotional dependence. Instead of two people supporting each other whilst maintaining their individual identities, the relationship becomes the primary source of security, self-worth, and stability.
This often means:
Feeling anxious or fearful at the thought of being alone, as though life has no meaning without the other person.
Constantly prioritising the other person’s needs, even at the cost of one’s own well-being.
Becoming emotionally dysregulated whenever there is conflict, distance, or uncertainty in the relationship.
Seeking approval, reassurance, and validation from the partner to feel okay.
For someone caught in this cycle, the idea of separation - whether temporary or permanent - can feel unbearable. This isn’t just about missing a loved one; it’s about feeling as though one’s entire emotional world will collapse without them.
The Role of Fear and Low Self-Worth
At the heart of co-dependency is fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of not being enough. Fear of not being loved. These fears often stem from childhood experiences, past relationships, or deep-seated beliefs about self-worth. Many who struggle have an underlying sense of not being enough on their own - so they attach themselves to others in hopes of filling that void.
This can manifest as:
A need to control situations or people to avoid emotional discomfort.
People-pleasing tendencies, where saying no feels impossible because rejection feels too painful.
Avoiding conflict at all costs, even if it means suppressing one’s own needs.
Constant over-giving, hoping that if they provide enough love and support, they will never be left behind.
The problem is no one else can truly fill the emotional gaps inside of us. A relationship might soothe insecurities for a while, but eventually, those deep fears creep back in - leading to clinginess, jealousy, anxiety, or an overwhelming fear of abandonment.
The Loss of Self
Perhaps one of the most heartbreaking aspects of all this is that eventually if not managed, people will often lose themselves in their relationships. Their own dreams, hobbies, passions, and even personalities start to fade as they become consumed with taking care of others. This is especially common in long-term relationships where co-dependency has been normalised. Over time, the codependent partner may realise they no longer know who they are outside of the relationship.
They might struggle to:
Make decisions without checking in with their partner.
Spend time alone without feeling anxious or restless.
Identify personal goals or ambitions that aren’t tied to the relationship.
In the ideal world, relationships would always feel safe, balanced, and effortless. The people we love would intuitively know how to meet our emotional needs, how to comfort us when we’re hurting, and how to always say the right thing at the right time. We would never feel alone, never feel misunderstood, and never have to sit with uncomfortable feelings for too long.
But life doesn’t work like that.
Relationships, no matter how loving or supportive, can never be a substitute for our own emotional stability. The weight of our happiness cannot be placed entirely in someone else’s hands. Yet so many of us fall into the pattern of relying on others to regulate our emotions - whether it’s a romantic partner, a close friend, or a family member. We lean on them to soothe our anxiety, to reassure us that we are worthy, to validate our feelings, and to take responsibility for making us feel good about ourselves.
At first, this might not seem like a problem. Isn’t emotional support part of a healthy relationship? Isn’t connection supposed to make life easier? Of course. Seeking comfort from those we love is natural and even necessary at times. We are social creatures, wired for connection, and emotional support plays a crucial role in our well-being. But there is a fine line between receiving emotional support and depending on someone else to regulate our emotions entirely. When we rely too much on others to manage our emotional state, we risk losing our sense of self, becoming emotionally dependent, and, in many cases, placing an unfair burden on our relationships.
The Subtle Ways We Expect Others to Regulate Our Emotions
Most people don’t wake up one day and decide to hand over control of their emotional well-being to someone else. It’s something that happens gradually, often without us even realising it. It can start with something as small as needing constant validation from a partner or feeling unable to make decisions without seeking approval. It might look like getting upset when a friend doesn’t text back fast enough or feeling empty and lost when a relationship ends.
At the core of this is a belief that we need external validation to feel whole, to feel safe, to feel like we matter. We look to others to reassure us that we are lovable, good enough, and worthy. And while external validation can feel comforting in the moment, it is a temporary solution to a deeper problem - one that can only be solved by learning to validate ourselves. For example, someone who struggles with emotional regulation may become overwhelmed by anxiety or sadness and immediately turn to a partner or friend to help them feel better. Whilst there’s nothing wrong with seeking comfort, the problem arises when that external source becomes the only way they know how to manage difficult emotions. When that person isn’t available - or doesn’t respond in the way they hoped - the emotions feel even more unbearable, creating a cycle of dependence and disappointment.
This pattern plays out in many ways. Some people find themselves resenting their loved ones for not always being available. Others lash out or withdraw when they don’t receive the emotional validation they were expecting. Some develop anxiety around abandonment, fearing that if they aren’t constantly supported, they will lose the relationship altogether. When emotional regulation depends too heavily on external factors, it creates instability and insecurity. Instead of being able to self-soothe and work through difficult emotions independently, happiness and emotional balance become something that can only be maintained through the actions, words, and approval of others.
How Attachment Styles Contribute
The way we form relationships, experience love, and seek emotional security is deeply shaped by something many people don’t even realise is at play - attachment styles.
Attachment theory, first developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how our early relationships with caregivers create the blueprint for how we connect with others in adulthood. Whether we feel secure in relationships or struggle with fear, anxiety, and dependence is often rooted in experiences long before we were even aware of them. One of the strongest links to co-dependency is anxious attachment - a style where relationships become a source of both deep longing and deep fear. For those with an anxious attachment style, love and connection don’t just feel important; they feel like survival. The idea of losing a relationship or facing emotional distance can be overwhelming, triggering deep insecurities and a desperate need for reassurance. This is where co-dependency often begins. When someone believes that their emotional stability depends on someone else’s presence, approval, or affection, they unknowingly place their happiness in the hands of another. Instead of developing self-regulation skills, they rely on others to soothe them, validate them, and confirm that they are safe, loved, and wanted.
The Deep Roots of Anxious Attachment That Fuel Co-dependency
Attachment styles are often formed in childhood, based on how consistently and securely a caregiver met our emotional and physical needs. If a child received love, affection, and comfort predictably, they are likely to develop a secure attachment style, meaning they grow up feeling safe in relationships, able to trust others, and capable of self-soothing when challenges arise. However, for those who develop an anxious attachment style, early experiences were often inconsistent. One moment, a caregiver may have been nurturing, warm, and available, and in another moment, they may have been distant, preoccupied, or emotionally unavailable. This unpredictability creates a sense of instability, where love feels conditional - something that can be given or taken away depending on external factors.
For a child in this situation, the message becomes clear: love is not guaranteed, and I need to work for it. They learn to hyper-focus on their caregiver’s emotional state, adjusting their behaviour to keep them close, to keep them happy, to make sure they don’t leave. This fear of abandonment becomes wired into their nervous system, making relationships feel both intensely desirable and intensely fragile. As that child grows up, these deeply ingrained fears don’t just disappear. Instead, they translate into how they approach love, connection, and emotional security as adults.
Because of this, when someone with an anxious attachment style enters a relationship, they bring with them the belief that connection is something fragile, something that could be lost at any moment. This fear leads to emotional over-reliance, where they look to their partner not just for love and companionship but for emotional regulation itself. Instead of believing that they can manage their emotions on their own, they feel intensely dependent on the other person’s words, actions, and presence to feel okay. If their partner is affectionate and available, they feel at ease. But if there is distance - whether real or perceived - anxious thoughts spiral, and the fear of abandonment kicks in.
This creates a dynamic where they might:
Seek constant reassurance, needing to hear "I love you" or "I’m not leaving" regularly to feel secure.
Monitor their partner’s mood closely, becoming anxious if they seem distant or withdrawn.
Prioritise their partner’s needs over their own, fearing that setting boundaries or expressing discomfort might push them away.
Struggle with separation, feeling anxious when apart and seeking constant contact to maintain a sense of closeness.
Overanalyse interactions, replaying conversations and looking for signs that their partner might be losing interest.
In this way, their partner becomes their emotional anchor, the person responsible for keeping them steady, happy, and reassured. And as mentioned previously, whilst it may feel like love, it is actually a form of emotional survival, where their well-being is dependent on the relationship staying intact. When happiness and emotional stability rely entirely on someone else, it creates an unhealthy dynamic where one person takes on the burden of emotional regulation, while the other remains in a state of constant need.
Why This Cycle Is So Hard to Break
After spending your entire life believing that love must be earned, maintained, and constantly proven, emotional independence must be terrifying. Letting go of the need for reassurance, validation, and control over a partner’s emotions feels like losing the safety net that has always been relied upon.
This is why many people with anxious attachment struggle with:
Trusting that they are enough on their own.
Letting go of relationships, even unhealthy ones, because they fear the emptiness that might follow.
Focusing on self-soothing instead of seeking external reassurance.
Allowing space in relationships without panicking or assuming distance means rejection.
Even when they recognise the cycle of emotional dependency, it can be incredibly difficult to stop seeking external validation. The fear of being alone, of not being enough, of not being loved - these fears can feel too big to handle alone.
Breaking Free: Learning to Regulate Our Own Emotions
For those who have spent their lives emotionally intertwined with others, the idea of breaking free from co-dependency can feel overwhelming, even impossible. The very thought of not relying on someone else for reassurance, stability, and happiness can trigger deep fears - fears of loneliness, abandonment, or simply not knowing who you are without that attachment. But here’s the reality: learning to regulate your own emotions and finding security within yourself does not mean you will lose love, connection, or relationships. In fact, it allows for deeper, healthier, and more fulfilling relationships. Because real love is not about dependence - it’s about choosing to share your life with someone, not needing them to make you feel whole.
The question, then, is how? How do you unlearn patterns of emotional dependence? How do you start trusting yourself instead of looking to others for stability? How do you take responsibility for your happiness when, for so long, it felt like that responsibility belonged to someone else? The answer isn’t about sudden, drastic changes or forcing yourself to be "independent" overnight. It’s about small shifts, daily choices, and a gentle reorientation toward yourself. It’s about understanding that self-regulation is a skill - one that can be learned, practiced, and strengthened over time by taking back control.
So before we can break free, we have to see it clearly. We have to recognise the ways in which we have handed over control of our emotions to others, whether that be in relationships, friendships, or even our interactions with family. It might look like waiting for someone else’s approval before feeling good about yourself. It might be needing constant reassurance that you are loved, wanted, or good enough. It could be feeling anxious when a loved one seems distant, assuming you’ve done something wrong. Or it might be a sense of panic at the thought of being alone, as if solitude itself is unbearable.
At its core, co-dependency convinces us that we cannot be okay unless someone else makes us feel okay. That our sense of self, our emotional stability, and even our worth is dependent on external validation. And once we recognise this pattern, we can begin to dismantle it.
Shifting the Focus Inward
One of the most difficult but necessary steps in overcoming co-dependency is shifting the focus from them to you. Instead of constantly looking outward - wondering what others think, how they feel about you, whether they are pulling away or coming closer - it’s about turning inward and asking yourself, What do I need right now? How can I support myself through this? For someone who has been emotionally dependent on others for a long time, this can feel foreign, even unnatural. It might bring up resistance - But what if I don’t know how to comfort myself? What if I fail?'That fear is understandable. But the beautiful thing about self-regulation is that it’s not about perfection. It’s about practice. Self-regulation means learning how to soothe, comfort, and support yourself in times of distress. It means being able to sit with discomfort without immediately seeking external validation. It means trusting that you can handle difficult emotions without relying on someone else to "fix" them for you.
One of the most effective ways to begin self-regulating is to develop emotional awareness. Often, when we feel anxious, triggered, or overwhelmed, our immediate instinct is to seek relief - from a partner, a friend, or a distraction. But instead of reacting automatically, what if we paused? What if we took a moment to ask ourselves, What am I feeling right now? Where is this coming from? What do I need? Sometimes, the need will be for comfort. Sometimes, it will be for reassurance. Sometimes, it will be a need to process something painful from the past. The key is learning to meet these needs yourself first, before turning to others. Not because seeking support is wrong, but because relying on it as the only way to regulate emotions keeps us stuck in the cycle.
This can look like:
Practicing self-soothing techniques, such as deep breathing, journaling, or meditation.
Challenging the belief that you are only lovable or worthy when others approve of you.
Learning to sit with discomfort without rushing to fix it or seek external reassurance.
Reminding yourself that your emotions are valid, even if others don’t immediately validate them.
Developing a sense of identity that is not dependent on a relationship or another person’s opinion of you.
Building emotional independence doesn’t mean shutting people out or refusing help. It simply means developing inner stability so that when challenges arise - when a loved one is unavailable, when someone disappoints you, when things don’t go as planned - you don’t crumble. You don’t spiral into self-doubt or panic. Instead, you have the internal tools to steady yourself, to remind yourself that you are still okay, no matter what.
Letting Go of the Fear of Being Alone
For many people, the biggest barrier to emotional independence is the fear of being alone. Co-dependency often convinces us that solitude equals emptiness, that without a constant source of reassurance, we will collapse.
But being alone and being lonely are not the same thing.
Alone is a state of being. Loneliness is an emotional response. And when we learn to become comfortable in our own presence - when we learn to find peace, joy, and stability within ourselves - the fear of being alone begins to fade. Instead of seeing relationships as a lifeline, we start to see them as a choice - one that enhances our life rather than defines it. We stop fearing distance because we trust that even in the absence of constant connection, we are still whole.
The most powerful outcome of breaking free from this fear is that our relationships transform. Instead of being built on need, they are built on mutual support and respect. Instead of being consumed by anxiety over whether someone will leave, we trust that we are enough, whether they stay or not. In a healthy relationship, two people come together as individuals, not as two halves trying to complete each other. They share experiences, emotions, and support, but they do not depend on each other for survival. There is love, but also space. There is connection, but also individual autonomy. And when we begin to approach relationships in this way, everything changes. We stop chasing, we stop clinging, we stop fearing abandonment.
Embracing Self-Acceptance Over Perfection
So just to summarise, breaking free from co-dependency and learning to regulate our emotions is not about perfection. It is not about never needing anyone again or never struggling with emotional dependence. It is about learning, step by step, how to support ourselves. How to trust ourselves. How to love ourselves. It’s about recognising that we do not need to prove our worth to be loved. That we are not only valuable when we are needed by others. That our happiness is not something to be outsourced but something we can cultivate from within. And the more we embrace this, the freer we become. Free from the fear of abandonment. Free from the anxiety of needing constant validation. Free from the exhausting cycle of trying to control how others see us, treat us, or love us.
Because real healing isn’t about finding someone to complete us. It’s about realising we were whole all along.
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