Healing Internalised Shame: How to Reclaim Your Self-Worth

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Part 1: What Internalised Shame and Guilt Really Mean

Most of us carry around feelings that we don’t talk about. Shame. Guilt. A sense of not being good enough or the feeling that we’ve done something wrong (even if we can’t explain what or why). These emotions are incredibly common, but they often live in us quietly, shaping how we feel about ourselves, how we show up in relationships, and what we believe we deserve in life. And often... they didn’t start with us.

Internalised shame and guilt tend to take root early. As children, we’re learning who we are by absorbing the emotional world around us. We’re also trying to feel safe, accepted, and loved. When those needs aren’t consistently met, whether through neglect, harsh discipline, high expectations, or subtle forms of rejection, we begin to turn on ourselves. Instead of thinking, “Something bad happened to me,” we start to believe, “There must be something bad about me.”

Shame is different from guilt, though they often walk hand in hand. Guilt is usually about behaviour. It’s the feeling that you’ve done something wrong. Maybe you forgot a friend’s birthday, snapped at someone you care about, or broke a rule you believe in. Guilt can be healthy when it points us toward repair and responsibility. It says, “That wasn’t okay, but I can make it better.” Shame, on the other hand, is heavier. It doesn’t say, “I made a mistake.” It says, “I am the mistake.” It’s the voice that whispers, “You’re not enough. You’re too much. You’re a problem. You’re unlovable.” And when we’ve heard that voice long enough, we stop questioning it. It becomes part of how we see ourselves, even if we seem confident or capable on the outside.

This is what we mean when we talk about internalised shame. It’s shame that has soaked into our identity over time usually through repeated experiences, not necessarily a single big event. It often begins in environments where children were made to feel responsible for other people’s emotions, or where love felt conditional on performance, obedience, or emotional restraint. It can also be passed down across generations. If a parent never felt good enough themselves, they may unintentionally raise their children with that same emotional pattern.

The messages don’t have to be extreme to have a long-lasting impact. Sometimes they’re subtle. A sigh when you ask for attention. A parent who only praises you when you succeed. An adult who tells you you’re “too sensitive” or “too needy.” Over time, those moments build an inner narrative that says, “Be less. Do more. Don’t feel that. Don’t ask for too much. Be good. Be quiet. Be easy.” And if we stray from that script, even in adulthood, that familiar ache of shame or guilt comes rushing back in.

We might not even realise we’re carrying it. It hides itself in perfectionism, over-apologising, or constantly trying to please others. It can make us feel like imposters, like we’re faking our way through life. It shows up in that inner voice that criticises us before anyone else can. And it often makes us incredibly hard on ourselves in ways we’d never be with someone we love.

What makes shame so powerful is that it doesn’t just affect how we feel in the moment, it shapes our entire emotional landscape. It can influence how we respond to conflict, how we cope with disappointment, and how deeply we’re able to connect with others. When shame has a strong hold, we tend to either shut down emotionally or try to work endlessly for approval. We might fear being seen too closely, in case someone finds out what we believe deep down, that we’re not really enough as we are.

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Part 2: How Internalised Shame Shows Up in Everyday Life

Internalised shame and guilt don’t always announce themselves clearly. In fact, they’re often hidden in plain sight, showing up in the everyday ways we think, feel and act. They can sneak into relationships, decisions, our careers and even the way we treat ourselves in solitary moments.

The trouble is, when we’ve lived with these patterns for a long time, we might not even recognise them as something separate from who we are. They just feel normal. But that doesn’t mean they’re healthy or helpful. You might notice it in the way you speak to yourself. Maybe you replay small mistakes in your head for days, or feel like you’re constantly letting people down, even when you’re doing your best. Perhaps you find yourself apologising when you haven’t done anything wrong, or feeling awkward about taking up space, asking for help or having needs at all. These might seem like little things, but they can point to something deeper. They suggest that, somewhere along the way, you learned that being you wasn’t entirely acceptable.

As mentioned earlier, shame can show up as perfectionism. Not the healthy kind where you take pride in your work, but the exhausting kind that says you’re only valuable if you never mess up. It tells you that you have to prove your worth constantly, and that making a mistake means you're flawed at the core. This belief can make everyday life feel like a performance, where the stakes always feel high, even when no one else is putting pressure on you. Underneath it all is that voice saying, "If I do it perfectly, maybe I’ll finally feel okay."

Internalised shame can also affect our relationships in big ways. You might find yourself in friendships or partnerships where you’re always the giver, constantly trying to earn love or approval. Or maybe you avoid intimacy altogether because deep down you fear that if someone really knew you, they wouldn’t stay. That fear can be so strong that it shapes your entire approach to connection. You might become hyper-independent, always coping on your own, not because you want to, but because somewhere along the way you decided you weren’t safe to lean on anyone.

This can then feed into guilt that can often become woven into our sense of self. It might be the guilt you feel for saying no to someone, for needing rest, or for choosing what’s right for you instead of what others expect. It’s the guilt that shows up when you try to set a boundary, and suddenly you’re flooded with anxiety about upsetting people. This kind of guilt doesn’t come from doing anything wrong. It comes from having learned that your needs should come last, or that being good means being selfless to the point of self-abandonment.

Lastly, there’s the way shame and guilt affect ambition and success. Some people over-function, always striving, never stopping, hoping that if they just achieve enough they’ll finally feel worthy. Others under-function, not because they’re lazy or unmotivated, but because they’ve been carrying a quiet belief that they’re not good enough, so what’s the point in trying? Both can stem from the same root: a deep uncertainty about your right to belong, to succeed, to feel good about yourself just as you are.

It’s important to understand that these patterns didn’t come out of nowhere. If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional, or where you were criticised more than you were encouraged, then your nervous system adapted to survive. You might have learned to make yourself smaller, quieter, more accommodating. You might have taken on guilt that belonged to adults around you, or felt ashamed just for having needs and emotions. These aren’t personality flaws. They are responses to early emotional conditioning. The thing is, internalised shame and guilt are deeply convincing. They feel like truth. That’s what makes them so powerful and so painful. When you’ve lived with them long enough, it can be hard to imagine another way of being.

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Part 3: Becoming Aware and Starting to Heal

Healing from internalised shame and guilt doesn’t happen overnight. It’s not about flipping a switch or suddenly waking up free of it all. It’s more like learning a new language, one that feels unfamiliar at first but slowly starts to make more sense the more you practise it. Becoming aware is the first step, and it’s a powerful one. Awareness gives you space to notice what’s been shaping your inner world without you even realising it.

You might begin to notice certain patterns. Maybe you catch yourself constantly apologising when there’s no real reason. Maybe you feel uncomfortable when someone compliments you, brushing it off or minimising it. Or perhaps you hear a critical voice in your head when you try to rest, telling you that you’re being lazy or that you haven’t earned it. These moments might seem small, but they carry a lot of information about how you relate to yourself. Shame and guilt often live in these quiet, everyday reactions.

One of the kindest things you can do for yourself is to get curious instead of critical. When you notice shame or guilt showing up, rather than immediately trying to shut it down or push it away, try asking, “Where might this come from?” or “Whose voice is this really?” Often, we find that the beliefs we carry are not our own. They’ve been picked up over years of social conditioning, childhood experiences, or relationships where our needs weren’t met or respected. Therapy can be a really valuable space to explore this. Having someone to help you reflect on your experiences and gently challenge those ingrained beliefs can make a big difference. But healing can also begin with small, private practices. Journalling, for instance, is a powerful tool for noticing patterns and connecting with your inner voice. Writing freely without judgement helps you understand yourself more deeply. You might be surprised by what surfaces when you give yourself the space to be honest.

Practising boundaries is also a big part of healing. When you’ve been living in a mindset that tells you other people’s needs always come first, setting a boundary can feel terrifying. But boundaries are a form of self-respect. They tell the world, and yourself, that you matter. That your energy, your time, your emotions are valuable. It’s okay if setting boundaries feels clumsy at first. Like any skill, it takes time and repetition to get more comfortable.

Something else that helps is learning to respond to yourself with compassion. That means replacing harsh self-talk with something kinder and more truthful. If you notice yourself saying, “I always mess things up,” pause and try to reframe it. What if the truth is, “I made a mistake, but I’m human, and that doesn’t define me”? This isn’t about pretending everything is fine or ignoring what needs to change. It’s about creating a more balanced and forgiving internal dialogue that supports your growth rather than holding you hostage. It is also so important to start surrounding yourself with people who reinforce your worth instead of undermining it. That doesn’t mean everyone in your life has to be perfect. It just means choosing to spend more time with those who see you clearly and care about your wellbeing. When you’re healing, the company you keep matters. Supportive relationships can help retrain your nervous system to feel safe and accepted, especially if that’s not something you experienced growing up.

If you grew up with strong messages about what you were “supposed” to be or how you were “meant” to behave, part of healing will involve coming back to who you actually are. That might involve grieving the version of yourself you were taught to perform. It might also mean slowly giving yourself permission to explore, to play, to be a bit more honest about your likes, dislikes, hopes and limits. This is where congruence starts to develop. When your inner world and your outer expression begin to match more closely, things feel less confusing and more peaceful.

And yes, there will be setbacks. There might be days when shame and guilt feel overwhelming again, or when you fall back into old patterns. That doesn’t mean you’ve failed. It means you’re human, and healing is rarely a straight line. Each time you come back to yourself with kindness, each time you notice a belief and gently challenge it, you’re doing the work. You’re rewiring things that have likely been in place for years. Remember that shame thrives in silence and secrecy. Bringing it into the open, whether that’s in therapy, in writing, or with a trusted person, is one of the most powerful ways to break its hold. You don’t need to do it all alone. You don’t need to do it all at once.

Healing from internalised shame and guilt is not about becoming someone new. It’s about coming home to who you were before you learned to hide. And while that process takes time, it’s one of the most meaningful and liberating things you can ever do for yourself.

If something here resonated with you, I’d love to hear it.

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Thank you for being here, exactly as you are.

Kindest Always.

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Joanna Baars is a psychotherapist and writer based in London. Her work explores how we can learn to understand ourselves, in a complex world. Find out more...