Reclaiming Your Inner Power: How to Break Free from Toxic Power Dynamics
- Joanna Baars
- Jun 23
- 9 min read
Updated: Jun 24
How We Externalise Power and Why It Matters
Most of us grow up learning a lot about how to behave and how to please others, but not a lot about how to manage our own internal energy or emotional power. From an early age, we often receive messages that our emotions are too much, or not enough, or that our natural sense of power needs to be hidden, controlled or shaped to make others comfortable. As a result, many of us never learn what it feels like to actually sit in our own emotional authority.
Instead, we learn to look outside ourselves. We try to figure out how to stay safe, how to feel good enough, how to be liked or accepted. And without realising it, this often leads us to hand our power over to other people. We end up using the outside world as a kind of mirror, constantly checking how we’re doing, whether we’re okay, whether we’re allowed to feel certain things or express ourselves freely.
This can show up in deceptively small ways. For instance, we might say yes when we mean no. We might over-explain ourselves or walk on eggshells just to keep the peace. We might obsess over what someone else thinks of us or feel completely thrown off by someone’s mood or opinion. All of this pulls us further and further away from our own centre, and we start to live in a kind of emotional guessing game. What do they want from me? What do I need to say to be okay? What if I upset them? What if I’m wrong?
What’s often underneath this is a deep discomfort with holding our own power. Power, for many people, doesn’t feel like a safe or neutral thing. It can feel threatening, heavy, shameful, or even dangerous, especially if we grew up in environments where power was used against us or if being visible led to rejection or punishment. So, it makes sense that we’d develop protective strategies. We try to control situations, manage other people’s reactions, or even over-accommodate, all in an effort to feel some sort of safety. But unfortunately, when we keep looking outside ourselves for validation, control or approval, we slowly lose touch with our own sense of agency. We end up chasing a moving target and never really feeling safe because that safety is always dependent on someone else’s reaction. Over time, this can lead to chronic anxiety, emotional exhaustion, burnout or even a sense of helplessness, like no matter what we do, we’re never really in charge of our own life.
In relationships, this kind of externalised power dynamic creates tension. If we’re always trying to manage how the other person feels, or keep ourselves small so they don’t feel threatened, we end up disconnected from our own needs. If they’re doing the same to us, it becomes a tug-of-war, even if it’s a quiet one. And sadly, everyone at some point is trying to control or protect something that can only really be regulated from within. In society, we can see this same pattern play out on a bigger scale. People clinging to roles, status, control, or systems that give them a sense of power, because deep down, there’s a fear of what might happen without those structures. But true power isn’t about control. It’s about connection. It’s about feeling safe and steady within yourself, even when everything around you is unpredictable.
The Karpman Drama Triangle and Power Struggles
Once we start to recognise how often we look outside ourselves for a sense of safety or control, the next step is to notice what patterns we tend to fall into when things feel difficult or emotionally charged.
One of the clearest ways to understand this is through something called the Karpman Drama Triangle.
The Drama Triangle was developed by Stephen Karpman and is often used in psychology and coaching to describe three roles that people tend to adopt in moments of conflict, distress or emotional discomfort.
These roles are:
the Victim
the Rescuer
the Persecutor.
Most of us fall into one or more of these roles without even realising we’re doing it. And once the triangle starts, it’s easy to get trapped in the cycle.
Let’s start with the Victim role. This doesn’t mean someone who has actually been victimised or hurt, but a position we might take up when we feel powerless or helpless. It’s the internal story that says, “I can’t cope,” “This always happens to me,” or “There’s nothing I can do.” When we’re in this state, we often feel small, overwhelmed and stuck. We may look to others (the Rescuer) to fix things for us or feel resentful when they don’t.
Because of this, the Rescuer role might look more virtuous on the surface, heroic even, but it’s actually still rooted in control. When we take on the role of the Rescuer, we step in to help others, often without being asked, and often at the cost of our own boundaries or wellbeing. It comes from a desire to feel needed or valuable, but it can also come from discomfort with other people’s pain or mess. Helping becomes a way to manage our own anxiety. The downside is that it often keeps the other person in the Victim role and creates dependency.
And lastly, there’s the Persecutor. This role shows up when we criticise, blame or attack, whether it’s ourselves or others. It can sound like “This is your fault,” “Why can’t you just…?” or even internal thoughts like “I’m such a failure.” It’s a form of defence that often comes from fear or shame. When we’re in this role, we feel the need to assert control or power, often harshly, because underneath there’s a part of us that feels threatened or not in control at all.
These roles can also shift quickly. You might start as the Rescuer, then flip into the Victim when your efforts aren’t appreciated, and then turn into the Persecutor when you feel taken advantage of. And the people around you might be doing the same thing. It’s easy to feel like everyone is fighting for some emotional ground, trying to protect themselves, prove themselves or control the narrative, when we are trained to live in this power dynamic.
What makes the Drama Triangle so tricky is that all three roles are driven by a loss of personal power. When we’re in the triangle, we’ve already handed our emotional authority over to someone else and are now trying to scrape back some power for ourselves. This means we’re no longer responding from a grounded place, we’re reacting from old wounds, fears or learned survival strategies. And the more we react, the deeper the triangle pulls us in.
These dynamics can show up in all sorts of situations. You might see it in your family, where one sibling always plays the role of the Victim, another takes on the Rescuer, and someone else becomes the critical Persecutor. You might feel it in the workplace, where you’re constantly cleaning up other people’s emotional messes or feeling blamed for things that aren’t fully yours. And it can be deeply present in close relationships, especially if neither person is aware of how these roles are playing out.
What’s powerful about naming this triangle is that it gives you language and perspective. You start to notice, “Oh, I think I’m in the Rescuer role again,” or “I’m feeling like the Victim here, but is that really true?” It doesn’t mean judging yourself or others, but simply stepping back with a bit of awareness. Once you’re aware, you have more choice. You can pause, breathe, and decide whether you want to stay in the dynamic or step out of it. You can ask yourself what you’re actually feeling and what you need in that moment. You can choose to stop rescuing, to stop blaming, or to stop shrinking into helplessness. And that choice brings your power back to you.
Returning to Inner Power and Choosing a Different Outcome
Once we’ve seen the dynamics of power playing out in ourselves and others, there’s an open invitation to do something different. It’s not about winning. It’s not about being the strongest or most emotionally intelligent person in the room. It’s about remembering that our power doesn’t live out there in other people’s hands. It lives in how we respond, what we choose, and how we treat ourselves in the process.
Returning to your inner power starts with noticing where it leaks. That might sound strange, but you can usually feel it in your body. Maybe it’s that sense of tightness when you’re trying to prove yourself to someone. Or the heaviness after a conversation where you walked away questioning your own reality. Or the moment of dread when you agree to something you really didn’t want to say yes to. These are all clues that your emotional energy is being pulled in directions that don’t actually serve you.
Power, in its truest form, isn’t about control. It’s about being grounded in your own choices, feelings and values. And when you’re in that place, other people’s chaos doesn’t have the same hold on you. Their anger might still be loud. Their expectations might still feel heavy. But you no longer feel responsible for fixing, absorbing or reacting to it all.
This shift takes practice. One of the gentlest ways to begin is by slowing things down. When you notice yourself getting pulled into an emotional tug-of-war, pause. You don’t have to fix everything in that moment. You don’t have to explain yourself right away. You can simply notice how it feels and ask yourself, “Is this mine to carry?” Sometimes the answer will be no. And even when it is yours, you get to choose how to respond. That choice is powerful. It moves you out of automatic reactions and into intentional responses.
This is also where the idea of emotional boundaries becomes essential. Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re the healthy lines we draw to protect our time, energy, and emotional wellbeing. They’re how we stop ourselves from being pulled into other people’s stories, roles or expectations. A boundary might look like saying, “I’m not able to talk about this right now,” or “I need time to think before I respond.” It’s not about being cold. It’s about being clear. When you start to live from this more grounded space, people around you may notice the change. Some will respect it. Others may push back. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means you’re shifting a dynamic they’ve become used to. Keep coming back to yourself. Keep asking what feels honest and kind for you.
Another part of reclaiming your power is allowing yourself to feel whatever is underneath the performance or defence. Sometimes we avoid our own inner world by focusing too much on what everyone else is doing. But when we drop into our own feelings, without judgement, we often find clarity waiting for us. You don’t need to shame yourself for past choices or patterns. You were surviving in the best way you knew how. And now, you’re learning a new way.
It can sometimes help to name the inner critic when it shows up. The voice that says, “You’re being too sensitive,” or “You should be able to handle this.” That voice often comes from old pain, not truth. Speak to yourself like someone you love. Remind yourself that choosing peace is not weakness. It’s wisdom. Stepping out of old dynamics is an act of courage. You may not always get it right. You may still react sometimes, or feel pulled back into familiar roles. That’s human. But over time, you’ll begin to recognise the difference between acting from fear and acting from power. You’ll notice when you’re abandoning yourself and when you’re honouring your needs. And the more you practice, the more natural it becomes.
You might also notice that as you become less entangled in other people’s emotional games, you create more space for connection that feels clean and kind. You give other people the opportunity to take responsibility for themselves. You model what it looks like to stay rooted in your own centre without attacking or retreating. That ripple effect can be healing, not just for you, but for the people around you too.
When we talk about returning to inner power, we’re not talking about perfection or control. We’re talking about presence. The ability to stay with yourself through discomfort, to choose response over reaction, and to gently take your power back without drama or defence.
So, if someone is trying to pass you blame, or draw you into a fight, or make their emotions your problem to fix, you can pause and remember that you have options. You can breathe. You can ask, “What are you hoping for here?” and let them answer. You can choose not to engage unless there’s a clear request. You can stay kind without losing yourself.
And maybe most importantly, you can give yourself permission to be human. To learn. To grow. To hold your power not in clenched fists, but in open hands.
Because true power is quiet. It’s steady. And it’s yours.
If something here resonated with you, I’d love to hear it.
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Joanna Baars is a psychotherapist and writer based in London. Her work explores how we can learn to understand ourselves, in a complex world. Find out more...
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