Accountability vs Responsibility: How to Stop Carrying What Was Never Yours
- Joanna Baars
- Jun 29
- 11 min read
Updated: Jul 3
The Difference Between Accountability and Responsibility
When you have spent much of your life feeling like the problem, it can become really hard to tell the difference between what you are actually responsible for and what you are not. Somewhere along the way, the lines get blurry. You might find yourself constantly scanning situations, relationships, or even conversations, wondering if you said the wrong thing, did enough, or should have done something differently. The weight of that is exhausting. It is heavy. And often, it is built on a misunderstanding of where your responsibility ends and where someone else’s begins.
This is where understanding the difference between accountability and responsibility can be a huge relief. It is like untangling a messy knot in your nervous system that has been there for a very long time.
Responsibility is about what belongs to you. It is about your roles, your tasks, your choices, and the things that are genuinely within your control. For example, you are responsible for how you treat other people. You are responsible for showing up honestly, being kind if you choose to be, and honouring your own commitments. You are responsible for how you manage your time, how you communicate, and how you care for your own wellbeing. These are the things that are yours to hold.
Accountability is slightly different. Accountability is about being answerable for the impact of your own actions and behaviours. It is what happens when we recognise how something we have done has affected someone else, and we take ownership of it. For example, if you accidentally hurt someone’s feelings, accountability is being willing to listen, reflect, and own your part. It is not about drowning in shame. It is simply recognising that our actions exist within a shared space with others.
The problem arises when accountability starts getting twisted into something it is not. Many people who struggle with internalised shame end up believing they are accountable not just for their own actions, but for how everyone around them feels, behaves, or reacts. That is when the emotional load becomes unbearable. Suddenly you are not just responsible for your own wellbeing, but you are also carrying the unspoken belief that it is your job to manage someone else’s mood, disappointment, anger, or expectations. This is often the legacy of enmeshment, where the boundaries between yourself and others were not clearly taught or respected. If you grew up with caregivers who offloaded their emotional distress onto you, whether through blame, criticism, or emotional withdrawal, you likely learned that peace only comes when you take responsibility for things that were never yours. That pattern can follow you into adulthood in subtle but painful ways. It can look like apologising for things that are not actually yours to apologise for. It can look like rushing in to fix problems that are not your responsibility. It can sound like, If they are upset, it must be because of me. Or, It is my job to make sure they are okay. Over time, this creates a chronic sense of guilt, overwhelm, and exhaustion, because in reality, you were never meant to carry all of that.
The real work comes in learning to separate the two. You are absolutely accountable for your own choices, words, and behaviours. You are responsible for how you show up in your life. But you are not accountable for how someone else chooses to interpret your boundaries. You are not responsible for how someone else reacts when you say no, when you disappoint them, or when you prioritise your own wellbeing. It might feel uncomfortable at first because shame will try to convince you that letting go of that false responsibility means you are selfish or cold. But that is not the truth. The truth is that you can still care deeply for people without carrying their emotional weight. You can still be a kind, compassionate, and loving person whilst holding your own boundaries and allowing others to hold theirs.
This is not about abandoning accountability. It is actually about practising it more honestly. When you stop absorbing what does not belong to you, you are better able to take care of what does. You have more energy to be present with your own feelings, more clarity to reflect on your own choices, and more capacity to repair things when you actually have made a mistake. It stops being about chronic overfunctioning and starts becoming about real, grounded self-leadership. You might start to notice where this confusion shows up most. It could be in family dynamics, at work, in friendships, or even in your relationship with yourself. Maybe you catch yourself feeling guilty for setting a boundary. Or maybe you notice how quickly you jump to fix things when someone else is uncomfortable. These are the little moments where that blurry line between accountability and responsibility starts pulling at you.
How This Confusion Happens: A Look at the Roots
If you have ever wondered why it feels so natural to take responsibility for things that are not actually yours, you are not alone. This confusion around accountability and responsibility does not come out of nowhere. It usually has deep roots that begin forming early in life, long before we are even aware that it is happening. And understanding where it comes from is one of the most important steps in learning how to untangle it.
For many, this pattern starts in childhood. When the people who are meant to care for you do not have the tools, the capacity, or the emotional maturity to meet your needs consistently, something subtle but powerful often happens. You begin to believe that their moods, their reactions, and their struggles are somehow about you. When a parent is angry, withdrawn, unpredictable, or overwhelmed, a child’s nervous system does not interpret that as the parent’s issue. Instead, it gets internalised as, I must have done something wrong, or If I was better, calmer, quieter, more helpful, this would not be happening. This is not something children do consciously. It is simply how the brain tries to make sense of things when it does not feel safe. Children are naturally wired to believe that the people who care for them are the centre of their world. If those people are emotionally unstable or inconsistent, the child cannot separate their own sense of self from the environment around them. This is how false responsibility begins to take root. For some, this came in the form of being the family peacemaker.
You might have learned that your role was to soothe everyone, smooth things over, or prevent conflict before it even started. Maybe you were the one who always had to be good, helpful, or easy to deal with because the adults around you were stretched thin, volatile, or simply unable to manage their own emotions. Over time, you internalised the idea that it was your job to keep things stable. For others, the message was more direct. Maybe you were blamed for things that had nothing to do with you. Maybe a parent projected their own unhealed wounds onto you, making you feel like you were always the problem. Maybe you were criticised, scapegoated, or held to impossible standards. In those environments, shame starts to feel like the air you breathe. And once shame is embedded, it naturally morphs into hyper-responsibility. If I am always the problem, then it must be my job to fix everything.
This pattern also ties deeply into what is often called the fawn response, one of the lesser-discussed trauma responses alongside fight, flight, and freeze. Fawning is the survival strategy of appeasing others to keep yourself safe. It looks like over-apologising, over-functioning, saying yes when you want to say no, and bending yourself into shapes that make others comfortable at the cost of your own wellbeing. It is a powerful but exhausting way of staying safe in environments where direct conflict, refusal, or setting boundaries did not feel like an option.
The confusing part is that these patterns often continue long into adulthood, even when the original environment is no longer present. Your boss gives you vague feedback, and instead of thinking they are unclear, your brain immediately goes to What did I do wrong? A friend is distant, and instead of considering they might have something going on in their own life, you start reviewing everything you have said recently, looking for what you should have done differently. It becomes a constant loop. If someone is upset, it must be my fault. If someone is disappointed, I need to fix it. If someone is struggling, it is my job to hold it together. This is the invisible load that so many people carry without even realising it has a name or an origin.
These patterns are further reinforced by wider social and cultural dynamics. Many cultures, families, and workplaces reward overfunctioning. They praise the person who always says yes, who never complains, who picks up the slack, who anticipates everyone else’s needs. But beneath that surface praise is often a chronic depletion of your own needs, energy, and sense of self.
The nervous system learns that safety comes not from being authentic, but from being responsible for others. And this is where the confusion between accountability and responsibility becomes so deeply wired that it starts to feel like your identity rather than just a coping mechanism.
But realistically, this confusion is not a personal flaw. It is an adaptation. A strategy that made perfect sense in environments where you had limited choices. And if no one ever taught you where the line is between what belongs to you and what does not, then it is completely understandable that you would continue to carry things that were never yours to hold. The good news is, patterns that were learned can be unlearned. It is possible to slowly begin recognising that you are not responsible for managing other people’s emotions, reactions, or unresolved wounds.
Learning to Manage Yourself Within Accountability and Responsibility
Once you begin to understand the difference between accountability and responsibility, the next step is learning how to actually live from that place. This is where the real work begins. It is about gently learning how to manage yourself, your emotions and your energy in a way that respects both your boundaries and the boundaries of others.
It starts with getting really honest with yourself about what is actually yours to hold. When something happens that stirs anxiety, guilt or that sinking feeling of I must have done something wrong, you can pause and check in. Ask yourself, is this truly my responsibility? Did I say or do something that I need to take ownership of? Or am I feeling the weight of someone else’s discomfort, disappointment or expectations? This simple moment of pause can be transformational. It creates space between the automatic shame response and a more grounded, truthful reflection. You are no longer reacting from old patterns. You are responding from clarity. Sometimes the answer will be yes, there is something for me to own here. Maybe I spoke sharply. Maybe I broke a commitment. In those cases, accountability means acknowledging it and making it right. But often the answer is no. The discomfort you are feeling is not about something you have done wrong. It is about someone else struggling with your boundary, your truth or their own unresolved stuff. Learning to manage this takes practice. It means letting go of the knee-jerk impulse to fix everything, smooth everything over or make yourself smaller so others do not feel uncomfortable. It means remembering that you are not responsible for other people’s emotional reactions. You are only responsible for being honest, kind if you choose to be, and clear about your own needs. This is where boundaries become your best friend. Boundaries are not walls. They are clarity. They are the way you let others know where your responsibility ends and theirs begins. A boundary might sound like, I can hear that you are upset, but I am not able to take that on for you. Or, I am open to having this conversation when it feels calmer and more respectful. These are simple ways of protecting your own energy whilst still showing up with integrity.
At first, it might feel strange or even uncomfortable because if you have spent years believing that your worth is tied to how much you do for others or how much discomfort you absorb, then choosing not to do that feels risky. Shame might show up. Guilt might whisper that you are being selfish. But in reality, letting others carry their own emotions is not cruelty. It is respect. Respect for yourself and respect for their own capacity to manage their lives.
Managing yourself within accountability and responsibility is really about realising that you are not the problem. You were never meant to carry the weight of the world. You are allowed to be a kind and compassionate person without being the emotional caretaker for everyone around you. You are allowed to set limits. You are allowed to disappoint people. You are allowed to say no without explanation. And the more you practise this, the stronger your sense of self becomes. You stop feeling so drained because you are no longer pouring your energy into problems that were never yours. You begin to experience what it feels like to live with emotional freedom. Not freedom from caring, but freedom from carrying what does not belong to you.
Moving Forward: Choosing Self-Compassion and Emotional Freedom
As you begin to step out of old patterns of confusion between accountability and responsibility, the most important thing you can bring with you is self-compassion. This work is not about getting it perfect. It is not about becoming someone who never feels guilt or never gets pulled back into old habits. Healing these patterns is a journey, not a checklist. It takes time, patience and so much gentleness with yourself.
There will be moments where the old reflexes show up. You might find yourself slipping back into over-apologising, over-functioning, or carrying things that are not yours. That is not failure. That is just the nervous system doing what it has been trained to do for a very long time. The win is not in never falling back into the pattern. The win is in noticing it faster, pausing, and choosing a different response when you are able.
This is where self-compassion becomes a lifeline. Instead of criticising yourself for feeling guilty or uncomfortable when you set a boundary, you can remind yourself that it makes sense. Of course it feels uncomfortable. Of course it feels scary sometimes. You are unlearning a lifetime of messaging that told you your worth was tied to how much you carry for others. Offering yourself that softness and understanding is not just nice to have. It is essential. It is what makes it possible to keep going.
Choosing emotional freedom means giving yourself permission to stop living in reaction to other people’s discomfort. It means allowing yourself to exist without constantly scanning the room, the relationship, or the situation trying to figure out if you are the problem. It means learning to trust that you are allowed to take up space, have needs, and prioritise your own wellbeing without that meaning you are selfish or bad. It also means remembering that you are not responsible for how others feel about your growth. Some people may not like it when you stop over-functioning or when you start holding clearer boundaries. That is about their discomfort with change, not about your wrongdoing. You are only responsible for your side of the street. You are accountable for your actions, your words and your choices. You are not responsible for managing the emotions or expectations of others. Over time, living this way starts to feel less foreign and more natural. You begin to experience what it feels like to be in relationship with others without abandoning yourself. You stop seeing discomfort as danger and start recognising it as part of the process of change. You begin to trust yourself. You begin to feel safer inside your own life.
And this is the heart of emotional freedom. It is not about disconnecting from others. It is about connecting from a place of truth, clarity and self-respect. It is about knowing that you can love others and love yourself at the same time. You do not have to carry what was never yours. You are allowed to put it down. Moving forward with self-compassion does not just change how you relate to others. It changes how you relate to yourself. You stop being the problem in your own mind. You start being the person who stands beside yourself. The person who says, I hear you. I see how hard this is. And I have got you.
This is where real healing happens. This is where life starts to feel lighter. Not because the world changes, but because you are no longer living under the weight of false responsibility. You are living in your own clarity, your own truth and your own quiet, steady power.
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Joanna Baars is a psychotherapist and writer based in London. Her work explores how we can learn to understand ourselves, in a complex world. Find out more...
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