How to Stop Seeking External Validation and Start Valuing Yourself
- Joanna Baars
- Jul 3
- 10 min read
The Hidden Root of Chasing External Validation
Most people do not even realise they are caught in the cycle of chasing external validation until they start feeling completely drained by it. It can feel like this constant loop of needing someone to tell you that you are doing well, that you are enough, that you are liked, wanted or approved of. And when you get that approval, it feels good for a while. But then, almost without warning, it fades away. The discomfort creeps back in and the search starts all over again.
It is so easy to believe that this is just about wanting connection or reassurance, and of course, to some degree, every human needs that. We are wired for connection. But when validation starts to feel like a survival need, when it feels like you cannot breathe until someone else reflects something good back at you, there is usually something deeper happening underneath.
At the root of this constant search is often a really painful belief that you are not very important. Not important enough to be noticed just as you are. Not important enough to feel safe inside your own skin without external approval. And for most people, that belief did not come out of nowhere. It was learned. It was shaped by experiences where your needs were dismissed, where your feelings were minimised or where you were made to feel like you had to perform, achieve, please or shrink yourself just to stay connected to others. When a child does not receive enough emotional attunement or is consistently met with criticism, neglect or conditional love, the message that gets absorbed is simple but devastating. I do not matter unless someone else says I do. From there, the nervous system adapts. It starts scanning for ways to secure approval, to avoid rejection, and to feel safe. And one of the easiest, most obvious strategies becomes looking outside yourself for someone else to tell you that you are okay.
This is not a flaw. It is not a weakness. It is a survival strategy. When the internal foundation of worth is shaky or never fully formed, the only available option feels like reaching outwards. Whether it is through people pleasing, overachieving, perfectionism or constantly asking for feedback, the hope is always the same. If I can just get enough proof from the outside world that I am valuable, maybe the discomfort will finally settle. But the real heartbreak comes when it never truly does. No matter how much praise, reassurance or attention you gather, it only quiets the discomfort temporarily. Because the nervous system is still carrying that old belief in the background. I am not important unless someone tells me I am. And so the chase continues.
What is often misunderstood is that this is not really about needing more from other people. It is about feeling disconnected from yourself. When you are not able to feel your own importance internally, the external world becomes the only mirror you have. And when that mirror goes quiet, you are left feeling empty, anxious or not good enough all over again.
It is painful, but it makes so much sense when you really think about it. You were never taught how to hold your own worth. You were taught that it lives in other people’s hands. That is not your fault. But it does become something that eventually needs to be healed. Not by becoming someone who does not care what anyone thinks at all, but by learning how to anchor your worth internally first.
Why External Validation Never Truly Fills the Gap
It is understandable why so many of us get caught in the loop of searching for external validation. In those moments when someone compliments you, praises your work or reassures you that you are enough, it feels like the pressure in your chest finally softens. For a while, the anxiety quiets. The nagging sense of not being good enough steps back. You feel okay. Safe. Settled. Seen. It is soothing, like an emotional exhale. But then, almost inevitably, the feeling fades. The calm disappears as quickly as it came. Suddenly you are right back in the spiral of questioning yourself. Do they still think that? Were they just being polite? Do they actually care? Was it even real? And the need returns. You start looking again, hoping someone else will give you another dose of reassurance, another sign that you are okay, that you are wanted, that you matter.
This is where so many people get confused and frustrated with themselves. Why does it never feel like enough? Why do I keep needing more? Why do I feel better for a little while, then worse again? It can start to feel like being emotionally needy or like something is fundamentally wrong with you. But that is not what is happening at all. The truth is, external validation was never designed to fill the gap that is created when you do not believe in your own importance. It can comfort, support and uplift. It can feel wonderful to be seen by others. But it cannot substitute for the internal sense of worth and value that is built when you are connected to yourself. When that internal connection is missing or shaky, external validation works like a temporary patch on a deeper wound. It holds things together for a little while, but it cannot heal the root. This is not because there is something wrong with you. It is because you are trying to solve an internal need with an external solution. Imagine being really thirsty and only having the option to look at pictures of water. No matter how beautiful those pictures are, they will never hydrate you. In the same way, no matter how many times someone tells you that you are good enough, it will never fully sink in if there is a part of you that does not believe it to begin with.
This is why the relief never really lasts. The nervous system responds to external validation with temporary safety. It feels good in the moment because part of your mind believes that you are safe when you are approved of, liked or validated by others. But the moment that validation fades or is not consistently reinforced, the old belief sneaks right back in. I am not important unless someone else says I am. That is the belief that lives quietly under the surface, running the show even when you are not consciously aware of it. And this is where the exhausting cycle really takes hold. The brain starts scanning for signs that you are okay, but also for signs that you are not. Someone takes longer to reply to a message and the spiral begins. You start wondering what you did wrong, whether they are upset with you or whether you are being ignored. Your sense of worth feels fragile because it is tied to things you cannot control: other people’s moods, availability, opinions and reactions.
This is why no matter how much love, reassurance or praise you collect, it always feels like it slips through your fingers. Because the real issue was never truly about how others see you. It has always been about how disconnected you feel from yourself. If there is a part of you that fundamentally believes you are not important, not enough or not worthy unless someone confirms it, then no amount of external proof will ever feel sustainable. It is not because you are broken. It is not because you are too needy or too sensitive. It is because your nervous system and your sense of self were shaped in environments where you were not taught how to hold your own worth. Where you may have been overlooked, invalidated or made to believe your feelings and needs did not matter. In those environments, it made perfect sense that you would develop the habit of looking outside yourself to feel okay. It was a survival strategy, not a flaw. But realistically, that strategy is not enough anymore. It is not sustainable. And maybe that is why you are here now. Tired. Frustrated. Wondering why nothing feels like enough and sensing somewhere deep down that there has to be another way.
And... there is. The way out is not about becoming someone who does not care what anyone thinks. It is not about rejecting connection, approval or support. It is about learning how to build a relationship with yourself where you no longer need others to prove that you matter because you finally start believing it on your own.
Learning to Validate Yourself: Building the Feeling of Importance from Within
When you have spent most of your life looking outward for validation, the idea of learning to give that to yourself can feel confusing or even impossible. It might sound like a lovely concept but also completely out of reach. The truth is, if no one ever taught you how to connect with your own sense of worth, how could you possibly expect to know how to do it naturally? That does not mean it is not possible. It just means it is a skill. And like any skill, it can be learned.
It starts by understanding that self-validation is not just repeating positive affirmations or forcing yourself to believe things you do not yet feel. That is why so many people give up on it quickly. When you are carrying years of feeling unseen or unimportant, simply standing in front of a mirror and saying you are enough might not land. In fact, it can sometimes feel hollow or even trigger more discomfort because your nervous system does not fully believe it yet. This is not failure. It is just information. It tells you that this process needs to go deeper. At its core, self-validation is about rebuilding the relationship you have with yourself. It is about learning how to tune into what you are feeling, acknowledge it and meet yourself there without dismissing, shaming or bypassing it. Instead of rushing to quiet discomfort by looking for reassurance from the outside, you begin asking yourself what you actually need in that moment.
If you are feeling anxious because someone has not responded to you, instead of spiralling into thoughts like they must be upset with me or I am being ignored, you get to pause and check in with yourself. You can ask, what am I feeling right now and what do I need? Maybe the need is reassurance. Maybe it is comfort. Maybe it is simply the need to be seen and understood. The difference is, you start learning how to meet those needs internally rather than outsourcing them every time. This is where it becomes about learning to truly listen to yourself. When you feel disappointed, instead of criticising yourself for being too sensitive, you can remind yourself that of course it hurts. Of course this feels hard. That is what self-validation sounds like. It is not about denying the pain. It is about acknowledging it without making it mean that something is wrong with you.
When you do this consistently, something beautiful starts to shift. Your nervous system starts to realise that safety does not only come from the outside. It begins to experience the feeling of being held and seen from within. Slowly, the constant desperate need for others to fill the gap starts to loosen. It is not that you stop caring about connection. Of course it still feels good to be seen, appreciated and valued by others. But it stops feeling like your survival depends on it.
Self-validation also helps break the habit of attaching your worth to performance, achievements or how well you are pleasing others. You begin to notice when you are falling into patterns of perfectionism or people pleasing and instead of forcing yourself to do more, you pause and remind yourself that your worth is not on trial. You are already enough. Not because you proved it to someone else but because you exist. Because you are here. Because you are human.
This process is not a quick fix. It is a practice. There will be days when it feels easier and days when the old patterns pull hard. But with every small moment of meeting yourself with kindness, the foundation of your self-worth gets a little stronger. You start believing that your importance was never something that had to be earned. It was never something that had to be proven. It was yours all along. It was just buried under years of believing otherwise.
And from here, everything starts to change. You begin approaching life, relationships and challenges from a different place. A place where you do not have to constantly chase being enough because you finally start to feel it within yourself. And that is exactly what we will explore next. How moving forward from this place of inner validation can reshape the way you experience connection, belonging and emotional freedom.
Healing the Need to Be Seen, by First Seeing Yourself
Learning how to truly see yourself is one of the most powerful and healing things you will ever do. For so long, the world might have taught you that your worth depended on being liked, being chosen, being impressive or being needed. And when those things were not consistent or not given at all, it probably left you feeling invisible, unimportant or not enough.
Again, that old pattern of needing others to constantly reflect back your value was never because you were broken. It was never because you were needy or too much. It was simply because no one ever showed you how to hold your own worth inside. When you were not shown how to feel seen, safe and valuable within yourself, it only made sense that you would start looking for it everywhere else. But now you get to do something different. Now you get to slowly, gently begin building a relationship with yourself where you are no longer waiting for the outside world to tell you that you matter. You start choosing to believe it for yourself. Not because anyone gave you permission. Not because anyone finally validated you enough. But because you decided that you are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to exist fully as you are.
This does not mean you will never enjoy being appreciated or seen by others. Human connection still matters. Being witnessed still feels beautiful. But the difference is that your entire sense of worth no longer depends on it. It is the difference between feeling like you are gasping for air and learning how to breathe on your own. And moving forward, this becomes a daily practice. A practice of reminding yourself that your feelings are valid. Your needs are real. Your voice matters. You were never meant to abandon yourself just to feel worthy of being loved or accepted. You were always worthy. The work now is simply remembering it.
Every time you meet yourself with kindness, every time you offer yourself understanding instead of criticism, you are rewriting the story. You are no longer someone desperately trying to be seen. You are someone who knows how to truly see yourself. And that is where real freedom begins.
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Kindest Always.
Joanna Baars is a psychotherapist and writer based in London. Her work explores how we can learn to understand ourselves, in a complex world. Find out more...
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