Neurodivergence and Communication: Why It’s Not Just a One-Way Struggle
Communication is something we often take for granted. It’s supposed to be simple - one person says something, the other person understands, and the conversation flows naturally. But for neurodivergent individuals, it’s rarely that straightforward. It’s not that they can’t communicate or that they don’t understand others. It’s that their way of thinking, processing, and expressing themselves often doesn’t align with what’s considered “normal” in a largely neurotypical world.
If you’re neurodivergent, you’ve probably experienced this frustration firsthand. Maybe you’ve explained something in detail, only to be told you’re “overcomplicating” things. Maybe you’ve been accused of missing social cues when, in reality, they just weren’t clear to you. Or maybe you’ve been left feeling unheard, misunderstood, or even dismissed - like the way you communicate isn’t right, even though it makes perfect sense to you. And if you’re neurotypical, you might have had moments where talking to a neurodivergent person felt confusing or unexpected. Maybe they gave a long, detailed response when you were expecting a quick yes or no. Maybe they focused on details that seemed irrelevant to you but were crucial to them. Or maybe their emotional reactions didn’t match what you anticipated, leaving you unsure of how to respond.
These misunderstandings aren’t just personal quirks or random miscommunications. They’re part of a much bigger issue - one that goes far beyond individual conversations. The way society defines normal communication is largely based on neurotypical behaviour. That means neurodivergent people are constantly expected to adjust, adapt, and conform to a system that wasn’t designed for them. And when they struggle to do so, it’s often seen as a ‘them’ problem, rather than a reflection of a larger communication gap that exists on both sides. For example, neurotypical conversations tend to prioritise brevity, indirect language, and unspoken social rules. Things like sarcasm, reading between the lines, or intuitively knowing when to stop talking are often expected without being explicitly taught. But for many neurodivergent people, communication works differently. They might prefer detailed explanations, direct honesty, and clear, unambiguous language. They might process information more slowly or need extra time to respond. They might struggle with certain social norms, not because they don’t care, but because those norms don’t always make logical sense to them.
Neither style of communication is wrong. But because neurotypical communication is seen as the default, neurodivergent people often find themselves judged, misunderstood, or even excluded for simply expressing themselves in the way that comes naturally to them. They’re told to “just be more social” or “that’s just an excuse.” They’re expected to learn how neurotypicals think, how they process emotions, how they structure conversations - yet rarely is the same effort made in return. That’s where the real problem lies. The struggle isn’t just that neurodivergent people communicate differently; it’s that society largely refuses to meet them halfway. Neurodivergent people are expected to understand neurotypical behaviour, but neurotypicals aren’t expected to do the same in return. The assumption is that neurodivergent people should do all the work to “fit in,” rather than acknowledging that communication is a two-way street - one that requires effort, patience, and curiosity from both sides, and who ‘needs’ to fit in anyway?
This imbalance doesn’t just lead to frustrating conversations - it can have real emotional and psychological consequences. Many neurodivergent people spend their whole lives feeling like they’re speaking a language no one else understands. Over time, this can lead to anxiety, self-doubt, and exhaustion from constantly trying to translate their thoughts into something more palatable for neurotypicals. It can make them feel like their natural way of thinking and expressing themselves is somehow wrong - that they need to change who they are just to be accepted. But in reality, there’s nothing wrong with how neurodivergent people communicate. Their thought processes, their need for context, their preference for directness or deep explanations - these aren’t flaws. They’re simply different ways of processing and expressing information. And just as neurodivergent people work hard to understand neurotypical communication, it’s time for neurotypicals to start doing the same.
Because real communication - meaningful, respectful, mutual communication - requires more than just expecting one side to adapt. It requires a willingness to listen, to ask questions, and to challenge the idea that there’s only one ‘correct’ way to express thoughts and emotions. It requires recognising that neurodivergent people already work incredibly hard to bridge the gap - often at the expense of their own comfort, energy, and emotional and physical well-being. And most of all, it requires understanding that the real goal of communication isn’t just to make someone conform - it’s to truly understand one another and accept each other and ourselves as we are!
How Neurodivergent Thought Processing and Communication Styles Are Misunderstood
When we think about communication, we often assume that everyone processes information in roughly the same way. That when someone speaks, the listener understands their words the way they were intended. That conversations follow a predictable rhythm, with both people naturally picking up on what’s being said, what’s implied, and what’s left unsaid. But for neurodivergent individuals, communication is rarely that simple.
One of the biggest differences between neurodivergent and neurotypical communication is the role of context. Neurodivergent people often rely heavily on context when processing thoughts and explaining things to others. Instead of giving short, surface-level answers, they may provide detailed backstories, additional information, and nuanced reasoning. Not because they’re being difficult, but because context matters - it shapes how they arrived at their conclusion, how they understand a situation, and why they feel the way they do. But in a world that ‘values’ instant gratification and quick, to-the-point communication, this depth of explanation is often misinterpreted. Neurotypicals might see it as over-explaining or as unnecessary information that complicates the conversation. They may assume that a neurodivergent person is being defensive when really, they’re just trying to be as clear and accurate as possible. This misunderstanding can create a frustrating cycle where neurodivergent individuals feel the need to clarify even further through anxiety - leading to even more misinterpretation from the neurotypical side.
This tendency to give detailed explanations isn’t just a natural communication style for many neurodivergent people - it can also be a learned survival mechanism. Many neurodivergent individuals, especially those who have been dismissed, gaslit, or invalidated in the past, feel an intense need to justify their thoughts and actions. They’ve been told, directly or indirectly, that their way of thinking is incorrect or that they need to “prove” why they feel the way they do. Over time, this can lead to anxiety around communication, making it feel like every conversation is a test where they need to defend their own reality. This is where the difference between reasons and justifications comes in. When a neurodivergent person explains their thought process, they are usually offering a reason - simply providing the full context of how they arrived at their decision or reaction. But often, neurotypical listeners interpret this as a justification - as if the person is making excuses or trying to argue their way out of something. This misunderstanding can quickly escalate into frustration, with the neurodivergent person feeling unheard and the neurotypical person feeling like they’re being debated rather than just having a conversation.
At the core of this issue is the assumption that neurotypical ways of thinking and communicating are the ‘default’ or the ‘right’ way. Because neurotypical communication tends to be more indirect, socially coded, and brief, anything that deviates from that can be seen as abnormal. But neurodivergent people aren’t failing at communication - they’re simply operating in a way that makes sense for their brain. They prioritise clarity, depth, and honesty in ways that neurotypicals might not be used to, but that doesn’t make their approach any less valid. In fact, if handled correctly it can actually avoid a lot of misunderstandings due to deeper communication.
Bridging the Communication Gap: Understanding the Double Empathy Problem
At the heart of many communication struggles between neurodivergent and neurotypical people is a fundamental misunderstanding - one that isn’t just about differences in speaking styles or thought processes, but about the way we assume communication should work. The expectation has long been that neurodivergent individuals must learn to adapt to neurotypical norms in order to be understood. Rarely is the same effort made in the other direction. This imbalance creates a constant strain on neurodivergent individuals, making communication feel like an exhausting uphill battle where they are always the ones expected to do the adjusting.
But what if the real issue isn’t that neurodivergent people struggle to communicate, but that neurotypicals struggle to understand them just as much? This is where the Double Empathy Problem comes in.
The Double Empathy Problem, first introduced by Dr. Damian Milton, challenges the assumption that neurodivergent people have a "deficit" in social skills. Instead, it suggests that the difficulty in communication between neurodivergent and neurotypical individuals is mutual. It’s not that neurodivergent people fail to understand neurotypicals whilst neurotypicals communicate perfectly - it’s that both groups struggle to interpret and relate to each other. The breakdown doesn’t come from one side being “bad” at communication; it comes from both groups having fundamentally different ways of experiencing and expressing emotions, thoughts, and social interactions.
Neurodivergent people are often deeply in tune with one another. They communicate well among themselves because they share similar ways of processing the world. Likewise, neurotypical individuals naturally understand each other’s unspoken rules and social nuances. The problem arises when these two communication styles collide, and instead of meeting in the middle, neurotypical standards are treated as the default. This leaves neurodivergent people constantly struggling to conform, whilst neurotypicals may not even realise they are participating in a one-sided system. One of the biggest misunderstandings in this dynamic is the assumption that neurodivergent people are simply not trying hard enough to fit in. In reality, many neurodivergent individuals spend their entire lives learning how to “mask” - studying body language, practicing acceptable speech patterns, and filtering their thoughts to appear more neurotypical. This is not an effortless process. It takes energy, awareness, and often a great deal of emotional labour. Despite this effort, they are still frequently met with judgment, impatience, or confusion when they don’t perfectly mimic neurotypical communication styles. Meanwhile, neurotypicals are rarely expected to put in the same level of effort to understand neurodivergent ways of thinking. The assumption is often that neurodivergent people should “just learn” how to communicate more typically, without considering how unnatural, exhausting, and even painful that process can be. This is not a fair expectation. Real communication is not about one side doing all the work - it’s about both sides making the effort to understand each other.
This is why mutual respect, patience, and curiosity are essential. Instead of assuming that communication breakdowns are the neurodivergent person’s responsibility to fix, neurotypicals can start by asking more questions, listening without judgment, and recognising that different does not mean wrong. A neurodivergent person providing a long, detailed explanation is not necessarily over-explaining or being defensive - they are offering important context that helps them feel understood. Someone who struggles with indirect or vague social cues is not being difficult or insensitive - they simply process information in a more literal way. These differences aren’t barriers to communication; they are opportunities for deeper understanding.
What Can We Take Away From This?
Neurodivergent people have spent their entire lives trying to understand neurotypical communication. They analyse social cues, study facial expressions, and second-guess their words to avoid being misunderstood. But rarely is the same effort made in return. Neurotypicals often expect their way of communicating to be the gold standard, without recognising how much work neurodivergent individuals put into bridging the gap.
The reality is, everyone processes the world differently. No two people - neurodivergent or neurotypical - think in exactly the same way. Instead of treating neurodivergent communication as something that needs to be “corrected,” we should be learning from it. Instead of expecting neurodivergent individuals to constantly adapt and mould themselves to neurotypical standards, there needs to be a greater effort to meet in the middle. If neurotypicals could also try to practice patience, curiosity, and openness rather than shutting down or dismissing communication styles that feel unfamiliar to them. If rather than assuming that a neurodivergent person is over-explaining, they could ask themselves, “Why do they feel the need to do this? Am I making space for them to feel heard?” Or instead of jumping to the conclusion that someone is being argumentative, they could pause and consider, “Are they simply trying to make sure I understand their perspective?” Then maybe communication could also become a space where both people feel heard, valued, and respected, and it doesn’t have to stop there. It can extend into our everyday communication, strengthening and enriching all types of relationships with all types of people.
So, rather than forcing neurodivergent individuals to constantly adjust, we should be working toward an approach that fosters genuine understanding and respect on both sides. Because real communication isn’t just about making sure people talk the way we expect them to - it’s about making sure people feel seen and heard.Neurodivergent Communication Explained: Why It’s Time for Neurotypicals to Meet Us Halfway
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