Trust is the foundation of every meaningful relationship we build in life. It’s what allows us to feel safe, connected, and truly understood. Without trust, even the most promising relationships can feel fragile, distant, or filled with unspoken doubts. But here’s something we don’t often consider: trusting others doesn’t just depend on their reliability or actions. It also depends on how much we trust ourselves. That’s right—our ability to place trust in others starts from within.
When we don’t trust ourselves, our instincts, feelings, or decisions, it creates a shaky foundation for every connection we form. We might question our judgements, doubt our worth, or feel unsure about how to navigate even the most straightforward relationships. How can we fully trust someone else if, deep down, we’re constantly second-guessing our own perspective? It’s a tough reality to face, but it’s also an opportunity for growth.
Self-trust is a skill. It’s not something we’re born with or something that just magically happens. It’s a process, and for many of us, it’s one that’s been complicated by early life experiences. Think back to your childhood. Were you given the space to explore your feelings and instincts, or were they often dismissed? Did you grow up in an environment where you were encouraged to trust your own voice, or were you taught—directly or indirectly—to doubt it? The messages we receive as children shape how we view ourselves as adults, and for some, those messages create a lingering sense of self-mistrust that’s hard to shake. For example, if you were raised in a household where you were expected to take on responsibilities beyond your years, you might have learned to prioritise others’ needs over your own. This is often referred to as parentification, and whilst it can make someone incredibly responsible, it also teaches them to ignore their own feelings, needs, or instincts. Over time, that habit of putting yourself last can morph into a sense that your own judgement isn’t reliable or important. Similarly, if your emotions or experiences were frequently invalidated or minimised—perhaps by caregivers who didn’t know how to handle big feelings or by a culture that emphasised “toughening up”—you might have internalised the belief that your perceptions don’t matter. This can leave you questioning your feelings even in adulthood, wondering if you’re overreacting or reading too much into situations. And when we doubt and even gaslight our own feelings, trusting others becomes an even steeper climb.
But it’s not just childhood experiences that shape our relationship with trust. The people we connect with as adults also play a role. Often, we’re drawn to relationships that feel familiar, even if they’re not healthy. If you’ve had relationships—romantic, platonic, or familial—where your feelings or boundaries weren’t respected, that dynamic can reinforce the narrative that you’re the problem. It can make you doubt your ability to choose good people, to advocate for yourself, or even to recognise when something isn’t right. When we carry these narratives of self-doubt and mistrust, we sometimes act in ways that confirm them. Maybe you’ve found yourself making choices that didn’t serve you or engaging in self-sabotaging behaviours that seemed to prove you couldn’t be trusted to make good decisions. Maybe you’ve stayed in situations that weren’t good for you because it felt safer than risking something new. These patterns can feel like evidence that you’re the problem when, in reality, they’re often the result of the unresolved wounds that shaped your sense of trust in the first place.
Not only that, but our Attachment styles can also add another layer of complexity to this vicious cycle. If you’ve ever felt clingy, distant, or like you’re constantly swinging between the two in your relationships, attachment theory might help to offer you some insight. Those with anxious attachment often fear abandonment and seek constant reassurance, which can make self-trust challenging to say the least—they rely on external validation instead of their own internal compass. On the flip side, the avoidant attachment style often stems from a fear of vulnerability, pushing others away to maintain a sense of control. And for those who experience the anxious-avoidant attachment style, well the push-and-pull between craving closeness and fearing it can make trust feel almost impossible. Nevertheless, in all of these cases the way we relate to others is deeply intertwined with how we relate to ourselves.
So, where does that leave us? It leaves us with a question that’s both simple and profound: how do we start trusting ourselves? Because trust isn’t just about whether someone else is reliable or honest—it’s about whether we feel secure enough within ourselves to open up, to be vulnerable, and to take the risk of connection. It’s about whether we can quiet the voice of doubt that tells us we’re wrong, overreacting, or not enough. But trusting ourselves goes beyond just building better relationships with others. It’s also about building a better relationship with who we are. It’s about self-acceptance—knowing that we are enough, even when we make mistakes or don’t have all the answers. It’s about learning to validate our own feelings instead of waiting for someone else to do it. And it’s about recognising that we’re not the sum of our past choices or the narratives we’ve internalised. We’re so much more than that.
The journey to self-trust isn’t easy, but it’s one of the most important journeys we can take. Because when we trust ourselves, we stop looking outward for the validation or security we think we need. We become our own safe space. And from that foundation, we’re able to build relationships that are rooted in mutual trust, respect, and understanding.
So, as we come to the end of this reflection, let’s move forward with the understanding that mistrusting yourself isn’t a personal failing—it’s often a response to the environments and experiences that shaped you. And just as it’s something we’ve learned, it’s something we can also unlearn.
Let’s try to be kind to ourselves as we take this journey, one step at a time, toward trusting ourselves—and in turn, trusting others—in a deeper, more authentic way.
Comments